Dharma Beatdown

Chillin' by the Hell-realm water cooler.

Just like undead "Heroes"

I’ve really had to think about this one. Why do I like the series “Heroes” so much?

I’m not sure, really. Perhaps it was the potential of it: a mainstream TV show that dealt with comic-book type superheros, able to tell vivid stories. Perhaps that’s also why I keep watching it, despite its failure to deliver. It’s hard to pinpoint one person to blame for this, anyway. Creators, writers, actors, etc. all deliver. Even Wendy and Lisa made a bang-up score, despite it being repeated over and over and each episode.

Wait, whoa. I have to back up a second. You know what? It is the writers’ fault.

From the get-go, “Heroes” has been a show that is afraid of itself. Season one was great, a slow build towards the awesome Kirby Plaza climax, which… fizzled. I think, and a lot of people watching the show at the time agreed that bringing all your super-powered characters together for a big fight and then having the absolute minimum of combat happen was an insult to the viewer. It was somewhere around this time, that in a textual sense, “Heroes” tripped and fell through its own asshole and broke its motherfucking neck.

Season two was an abortion, and best not even talked about. The producers even admit that. Then, in Season three, the best character the show has ever had shows up… Arthur Petrelli, presumed-dead patriarch of the show’s central family. Played in a vigorously understated way by Robert Forster, this power-sucking fiend barely even falls in ‘supervillain’ territory. The character’s out-and-out humanity coupled with believable badassery makes him an ‘ultravillain’ in my book. He

UPDATE
This draft sat unedited for weeks. I had so many great ideas for how the show could have been improved, but the holidays and Arctic Blast ’08 (don’t ask) derailed it a bit, then THEY ENDED THE SEASON BY KILLING OFF FUCKING ARTHUR PETRELLI AND UNDOING PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING THAT HAD HAPPENED. Sure, Ando has his red lightning power but it’s some sort of lame meta power boost. And Mohinder is still alive. Come on!

So after some discussion with the fine folks on Fark, I came to realize that the only thing I could think of to save “Heroes” is a complete recast– not reboot, recast- for humorous effect. And here it is!

As Claire Bennet, regenerating cheerleader:

Leelee Sobieski. Why? Why the fuck not.

As her dad, the Horn-Rimmed Glasses man:

Will Ferrell. Don’t get me wrong… Jack Coleman is awesome as the badass HRG, and a great actor despite all the crap script they give him. We’re not going for good here, we’re going for funny. And can’t you just imagine him saying “I love you Claire-bear.”?
As douchebag kinda-scientist Mohinder:

Ian Curtis. Plays his role well in the first act, then hangs himself with a clothesline before starting to suck ass.
As time-hopping otaku Hiro:

Jean-Claude Van Damme. Sure, I made a play on words with the time-hop/”Time Cop” thing, but wouldn’t it be funny?

And as his grounded sidekick Ando:

Samuel motherfucking Jackson. Don’t judge me.

As telepathic cop Matt Parkman:

Genius actor/writer/director/fanboy Mike McCafferty. In fact, in my bizarroverse, he’s helming the series too. Go watch “Quest.” Do it.
As mysterious presence the Haitian:

Cloris Leachman.

As head cutting semi-villain Sylar:

Mike Patton. Imposing, creepy as fuck, and versatile enough to handle any last minute character about faces the writers can throw at him.

Next up, in a surprising twist, as both Petrelli brothers Peter and Nathan:

David Duchovny. That’s kind of an inside joke.

As Machiavellian mama Petrelli:

Porn star Sasha Grey. And with Duchovny on the set, it should get interesting. Yes, I know she’s younger than he is, but you saw “The Manchurian Candidate” didn’t you?

And finally, just to wrap this shit up, let me come to my favorite character of the whole series. There were so many cool choices I could have gone with, but this was the first one I thought of, and it’s perhaps the best. As Arthur Petrelli:

A pipe dream, sure. But now, no matter what “Heroes” may sling at us, we’ve all had this little moment together, haven’t we?

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3 Comments»

  Geoff wrote @

As fanboyish a recast as any I’ve read. But all your assessments above regarding the seasonal decline of Heroes are dead on. They need to start killing people off.Starting with Sylar.

  Jess Gulbranson wrote @

Yup. I always hoped for a badass rogue human character who was killing off supers. Somebody like the Metal Masked Assassin from Metalocalypse.

  kek-w wrote @

Ian Curtis.LOL!


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